haud desiderium.

Monday, September 10, 2007

@8:23 AM

I've just realised whats my problem.

I'm suffering from the effects of extreme insecurity and paranoia. And no, these aren't actual medical conditions.

I guess its time to come clean about the insecurity part. It all started last year. One "fine" day, I realised that RI has a "unique" tradition. In every class, there is someone who is ostracised. And what happens to that person is bullying. Which includes something that I can't stand if I were to be the victim of such behavior. Acting nice. I can't stand people acting nice. Really. By that I mean, they seem like nice people in front of you, but behind your back, they are cursing you, talking bad things about you, stuff like that.

So after realising that, I started to think, "What if they could be doing the same to me?" And there's where it all started. I started to distrust people. I just couldn't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. But luckily, such thinking has sort of "subsided" into my subconscious mind. So even though I'm normal and friendly most of the time, I do have sudden outbursts of loneliness. So please don't blame me. Anyone who reads this.

So now, the problem is that I'm not able to trust my friends. Even the extremely close friends, I can't say that I trust them. Maybe jealousy is part of the reason.

I don't think I have any true friends.

Stupid paranoia.

I hope this emo-stage will soon tide over.

It had better.

Or else, I don't even know what I'm going to do.

{♥} by the seaside